Might I have ADHD?

Hi everyone. I’m 32, male, from the UK. I’ve felt like I’ve never really properly ‘fit in’ anywhere my whole life, but I’ve made it work. I did average at school, did much better at college & uni (most likely because I could focus on what I’m actually interested in). I’m fortunate to have a job in a field I’m actually interested in so feel like that got me bye too. However, over the last couple of years some things have crossed my radar that have hinted that I might have ADHD. Now, I’ve never considered myself to have ADHD (at least not the stereotypical ‘bouncing off the wall’ kind), but after recently digging deeper into it (out of curiosity) I seem to find more & more things that relate to my own experiences.

The first thing that hinted at it was discovering the term ‘hyperfocus’ back in 2019. I’ve had bouts of that forever, and never really put it down to anything other than I’m just interested in a subject & want to find out everything I can about it etc. Then when something interrupts that, or enough time passes, I lose all interest in that subject. Often times thinking ‘I’ll get back to that as I’d really love to properly learn that skill/topic’, only to never go back to it again, even though I think about starting back up with it all the time, I’d either just procrastinate & never ‘get around to it’, or another shiny new topic/subject comes along & it happens again.

This has happened with many things: Playing guitar, Being a magician, Drawing, 3D Printing, Stand-Up comedy (this was an almost 2-week hyperfocus session simply because I had to give a speech as a best man & decided I wanted to be the next best Stand Up comedian in the process!), 3D Modelling, Animation, Game Design, Celebrity impressions, Singing, Acting (but feeling far too self-conscious to actually practice any of those in my family home, so instead just researching everything I can about the HOW to do these things, even downloading & sometimes even purchasing courses on said subjects without ever doing them)… And probably a bunch more that I’ve forgotten.

Those are all the hobby related ones, not including the times I’ve just spent hours researching a non-skilled topic just to learn everything about it I possibly can just because. Unless something pulls me out of the focus on an interest, I tend to drop out of it as soon as I discover I’ve soaked up all the info I can & just need to actually practice instead.

Feels like it’s more about the learning process than it is about actually producing something from it. To the point where I’ve accrued around 3TB worth of video courses on various subjects. Nobody I know does anything like that. I still slowly cycle back around these interests still, but never feel like I actually get anywhere with them, while also introducing new ones every now & again. I sort of love it when it happens, it feels like I’m about to ‘crack the code’ or something, it feels exciting to me. But on the flip side, I completely neglect my family for days, I barely speak or spend time with them, which of course makes me feel guilty as hell at the end of it.

Once I found out about hyperfocus I thought it was cool but never really thought it could be rooted in anything else (such as ADHD), I just felt good knowing that there was a term for it & that I’m not alone.

Roll on to this year & I recently came across an ADHD self-test thing online (no idea how) and figured I’d run through it. It reported a ‘high probability’ of having some form of ADHD, so I also got my wife to answer the same questions about me (the best she can) to make sure I wasn’t just fooling myself – same result. Based on my research since, I’d say I’d sit more in the ’inattentive’ type – as I’m not hyperactive.

The amount of times my wife is talking to me and I’ll just blank out and not hear a word she’s said is ridiculous. I know that that scenario gets used a lot in comedic interpretations of married life etc, but it’s frustrating for me, so I can only imagine how annoying it is for her.

I also have a really poor memory for anything other than topics of ‘interest’ or ‘absolute necessity’. E.g. When we first got together I knew my wife’s postal code off by heart for around 1-2 yrs before I could recite her birth date. I always say it’s because I had to use her postcode every time I wanted to see her (sat nav) vs not needing to use her birthday very often at all. Which to me makes sense, but I can still see how not remembering a birthday for so long is a bit much. I have a rough time remembering anything other than information I’ve actively chosen to remember. Like I can barely remember anything from my childhood or even last year unless I’m reminded of them specifically, but then I see my sister reminiscing about all sorts of childhood stories & I’m like ‘huh?’.

Which brings me to driving, I rely so much on GPS for driving that if I start a new place of work or something it takes me a solid couple of months of using it before the actual directions bake into my brain & I can do them without a GPS. Even then, I still couldn’t tell you the way.

Relationship wise we’ve argued a few times about me not helping out around the house, to the point where I’ve now taken it upon myself to create a task list with set days/times to do them simply because it’s not because I don’t want to help around the house but because I forget to. On the flip side there’s the rare occasion where I simply can not be around any kind of untidy and MUST tidy up to feel better.

There are a bunch of other ADHD related things that I think explain so much of my life:

– Revenge Bedtime Procrastination – I’ve done so much of this it’s unreal. I feel like I MUST have at least 4hrs of time doing what I want to do, even if I don’t finish work until super late

– Sleep issues – to the point that I’ve unhealthily been taking off the shelf sleeping tablets for a few years now to essentially sedate myself, otherwise I’d be up until 3am every night.

– When I’m not in a hyperfocused state I have weeks & weeks of aimlessly wondering from one meaningless time suck to the next, procrastinating the hell out of life, hating every moment that I’m not doing something more useful.

– I’ll happily interrupt a boss who’s talking in a meeting to tell a joke I just thought up based on what they’ve just said. If they happen to move onto a different topic before I can get it out it’s sort of painful.

– I have mood swings, but of late I’ve definitely been more ‘down’ in my mood than any other direction. I also throw temper tantrums quite often and get over them minutes later, which boy do I feel guilty about.

– If something I’m assigned to isn’t interesting to me, I’ll leave it to the very last minute, most likely forgetting about it. This is both in work & life (hence the issues with chores etc)

– Impulsive purchases. Like, spending thousands that I definitely don’t have, but I got the credit approved so ‘wooohhoo’?

– Brain fog – Like, most of the time. To the point where I’ve started to have pro-plus or other caffeine supplements when I know I need to focus & get something done.

– Imposter Syndrome – big time

I’m sorry that this post is so long, messy & probably not cohesive. I’m day 2 into an ADHD research rabbit hole & feel like there could be something in this, but at the same time I’m having a really hard time organizing my thoughts. I feel like all of this could just be me clutching at straws, trying to finally get an answer as to why I am like I am, rather than coming to the conclusion that I’m just a selfish dick. I don’t want to be that.

Struggling with remembering stuff from weeks, months, years ago really makes me worry about trying to get a diagnosis as I know you can be required to make an account of stuff that’s happened over the last 6 months or so, and I can barely remember what happened yesterday.

Also, I know you can’t tell me categorically that I do or do not have ADHD & I’d need to see a doctor, so I’m not entirely sure why I’m posting this, but it just feels like I have to.